...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
