Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
