I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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