I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
