I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
