Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
