she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
