I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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