i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
