I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
