Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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