I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
