Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
