apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
