I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
