She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
