You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
