Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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