Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
