I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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