Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
