im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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