My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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