Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
