i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
