My sheets look like a crime scene.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
