Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
