Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
