remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
