hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
