Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
