so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
