Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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