I'm so fucking centered right now
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
