A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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