she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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