He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
