I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
