the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My ass is underappreciated
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
