Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
