He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
