I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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