We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
