Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
