are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
