Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
