i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
