so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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