A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
