Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
