This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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