My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
